My biggest lesson so far of 2020 is to ask for what I want.
I think, especially as women, that we are conditioned to not ask for what we want. We are taught that it is not ok to want more, or that we should settle for less. Now, mind you, I am not talking about not being grateful for what we have. Do that. Keep it up.
But there is nothing wrong in wanting more and not settling.
Recently this has been coming up for me in terms of money. I have spent many years of my life settling for what other people will pay me without saying ‘no, I need this much to do this work’ because I truly believed that I was not worth it.
Let me repeat that.
I did not believe that I was worth a living wage. I believed when they said ‘no’ it meant that my work wasn’t good enough. In some cases it was a money issue. In some cases it was a power issue. In all cases it was me not standing firm in self-love and worth.
My 20’s have been a financial roller coaster and as I come to the end of them (during a pandemic and an economic crisis no less) I realise just how much of that was my fault. I recently landed a dream gig by sending an email that started with ‘I figure you miss all of the shots you don’t take’ and I was right.
What else have I lost due to fear and a sense of scarcity? Why am I afraid to actually be financially stable and out of debt? What about that makes me scared. I sent a proposal last week that actually made me weak in the knees to hit ‘send’ on because my whole body was screaming ‘OH YOU ARE NOT WORTH THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY’ and I sat with that until I said ‘YES I FUCKING AM’.
This is my big shift. This is me realising that I have everything to offer the world and the second I believe in it, then others will too. It all comes from within. It comes on the back of decades of allowing others to pay for me, of a bit of hustle, and a few desperate times come for desperate measures ways of making rent.
So I am here asking for it. I am worth it.
And so are you.