Howdy y’all.
I’ve been fighting with social media because lordy do I love sharing and sometimes I think maybe I’ve inspired people or something; but the opposite of that coin is the concept of being judged. I am terrified of this because I find that I judge myself, deeply and harshly. I would never judge a friend - no matter how close - with the same lens that I judge myself with. It simply feels wrong, rude, and incredibly lacking in compassion.
So why are we like this to ourselves?
Let’s unravel that.
Ok it will take longer than perhaps a simple blog post but here we are after quite a long hiatus because… I simply have less and less desire to be online anymore. Or on my phone? I am unsure. I desperately want love and attention, but I also want to remain an enigma. A lot of why questions today my loves. They pop up quite a lot; so at least I can get some feelings and thoughts out on the wild, crazy, web and attach less of my face to it. What a joy.
There is no point to this, from where I started except to say that the past 6 months? 12 months? I’m not fully sure but the recent changes in my life have shown me a lot about what I am willing to continue living with and what needs to be left behind. As someone who has spent their life running away from uncomfortable things - like being held accountable - it’s simply just not an attractive thing to me or the world anymore.
I want to do better.
I can do better.
Leaving behind what is known and comfortable sucks big time because we are going towards the unknown which, for better or worse, is simply unknown. That’s naturally scary. It’s why we stay in weird situations for so long. The person, the place, the job. You know the feeling. Jumping into new is hard.
Unless, as above, we are running away. But sometimes, we’re simply running from something that will only keep chasing us every day and keep showing up in myriad of ways until we deal with it. It doesn’t need to be a battle to the death, but maybe it just wants a hug, an acknowledgement of existing. And that’s the icky work I’ve been trying to work through. My own patterns chasing me and my own specific on-brand version of playing the victim.
I know I can be better, I’ve met her. She’s just very mercurial and I’d like her to stick around longer. Which probably calls for being a bit more mercurial myself. A bit less available, a bit less all over the place, a bit more present in the present.
A whole hell of a lot more ‘sitting in the feelings and doing the work’.
I’ll try to be here for it. I’ll try to share. We’ll see what comes of it.
Thanks for listening.